Toxic Home Life

 

     My home life was full of conflict, yelling, shaming, physical and mental abuse, manipulation and brain washing. There were good times but very few, most of which were when we were on vacation or I was left alone. At age seven, my parents threatened to stone me to death according to the Bible if I ever called myself a Witch. At age ten, they forced me to do chores around the house and farm. If they were not done or not perfect enough the consequences ranged from yelling and criticism to being hit with a switch and no supper. At fourteen my Father forced me to work with my Mother as a Janitor for "under the table" money after school (we worked for the Janitors, not the company).

     At all times my feelings were wrong because we were tough farmers and suppose to give all our problems to God, happy was the only emotion allowed. At all times my thinking was wrong cause no one could question the Bible. At all times my parents had control of me, I could not be myself, cause they birthed me ("Honor thy Father and thy Mother"KJV), despite one day telling me they never wanted a child. They had no respect for my views, kept me from extra curricular activities, going to friend's houses or parties, and spending my college fund money on Walt Disney World vacations instead of my education.

     So much more was also said and done but luckily my mind has blocked a lot out either due to trauma or my brain seizures. Upon a little research online, all of these were major red flags of a toxic home life. Though at the time, I knew how I was being treated was wrong, the effects weren't really visible till later.

• unrealistic standards
• criticism
• controlling
• no compassion
• no respect
• verbal abuse
• physical abuse
• emotional abuse
• gaslighting

     Most of my coping was staying silent, using my acting skills to hide my true feelings and arguing to change their minds. When I finally moved out, the only communication that happened for four months was either angry calls or silence (the silence was great but also mental torment). Now I limit my face-to-face contact to twice a month and answer calls once every three days. While looking up information for this blog I recognized things that I tried and ones I should have tried sooner.

1. Avoid getting involved in things you can opt out of. Such as vacations, grocery trips, family events and holidays. This may work more when you are older and out of the house but it worked a couple times when I was younger and just wanted to avoid more drama by going to the store. There were times this invoked more rage from my family then peace. So pick your timing and your battles. When these events could not be skipped, staying silent was my saving grace. 
   
2. Avoid certain topics, anything that causes controversial arguments such as politics and religion. For example, my parents are Puritan Baptists and I'm a Mother Nature loving Pagan, to them I am an "animal loving crazy hippie that would rather save the cows then feed everyone." They are also strong Republicans that would rather force everyone to adhere to the Bible's old laws then to Jesus Christ's main Commandment  to "love one another and take care of each other." On the other hand, I currently identify as a progressive who stands up for ALL people's rights. No matter whether they are straight, bi, gay, trans, non binary, furry, witch, wizard, fairy, nymph, reincarnated pharaoh, or tree spirit, everyone has the right to be their full selves without being judged who is better or who deserves to be taken care of.  (apologies to anyone i didn't mention, please comment to add yourself to the list, everyone matters) Anytime one of these subjects come up, simply respond nicely "I'd rather not talk about my [insert subject here]." "The subject makes me uncomfortable." Don't try to change the other person's mind because you can't, but you can change how you react to what they say. 
3. Talk to someone outside the family that you can trust. Whether that be a best friend, significant other, therapist, doctor, coach, teacher, tutor, or counselor. Find a way to express yourself in a safe way. If you have internet access, always use safely with caution, try communicating on monitored sites such as TikTok, Instagram, Pinterest, Forums, and Reddit. They are more secure against hackers compared to some third party sites that spam you with invasive Adds. (I may be a Millennial but not one great with technology so there are probably many other safe places, please comment below of any safer sites.) You are not alone in how you think or feel, with 7billion+ people on this Earth you are most definitely not alone. 
4. Move ASAP. Although the other bullet points helped me this was the one that made the biggest difference. One day my folks chased me around the house spouting horrible things about my boyfriend and how he was worthless and would change me. They cornered me into the bathroom, the only place I could lock the door, unfortunately it was also in the center of the house so there was no window to crawl out of. Many things were shouted through the door, including but not limited to bribing me with all their savings to leave him and calling me names, other things I have since blocked from my memory. Last thing my dad yelled through the door before storming off was "Fine Bitch, you can die in hell for all I care." Yep, not a great call to my love at 3am trying to calm down. The next day I put in applications for a couple apartments and set up a time to meet with my bank to get my car in my name instead of half in my parents. Three weeks later I had moved my most important items out of the house into my own apartment. The final moving night was decided when my parents caught me and threatened to call the cops for stealing the car. Ha. Showing them the deed in my name and filling my car with whatever would fit in it, I left for the last time at 1am in October 2019. The new place was foreign to me and different but safe from all that criticized me. We should all feel safe where we lay our head, not persecuted and vulnerable. If your own place isn't an option, try moving in with a friend or a different relative. There are also homeless shelters, women's shelters, men's shelters, and other safe places that will take any body in need. The internet is a great resource, along with food pantries, churches and City Halls. Most will know the location of the nearest shelters. 
5. Remember, You don't owe them your time, your thoughts or anything. You decide how you should be treated, what you will and will not take, what makes you happy. No one can decide that for your, not even your family that birthed/took you in. Your life has always been yours. Only you can decide who you will be, what you will do, how you dress, what you like, and what you believe. Nature made you as a single human being without any strings attached to anyone else. Once you were birthed you decided your own fate. What foods you liked and spat out, where you crawled and then walked. Everything that was said, thought or done was by your own volition. No other person in the universe can be you except YOU. Always remember that. Where you live, what your hobbies, dreams and religion is is all up to you. Live in Japan for seven years then travel to New Zealand and retire. Travel all across the United States hitchhiking and enjoying the sites. Be a nurse, a lawyer, a florist, musician, comedian, seamstress, volunteer at homeless shelters and animal shelters. Become a catholic priest or a Wiccan Priestess, follow the stars into space or explore the parts of the ocean we still don't know about. Your choices and happiness are your own.

   Though nothing in my background qualifies me as any kind of specialist these are the options that have helped me. If there are any questions please don't hesitate to contact me or do more research on your own and share below what you learn. Always be yourself Abagail, never give in to the selfish bigoted ramblings of your family, you are so much more special then they will ever know. 

Blessed Be.