Witch Belle

 What is a "mental breakdown"?      Let's start with the Dictionary. Merriam-Webster does not have a definition for it but does have one for "nervous breakdown", which other sites say are interchangeable terms. So Webster describes it as "an attack of mental or emotional disorder especially when of sufficient severity to require hospitalization." Mine is bad but thank goodness it is not to that extent.      Web MD describes a mental breakdown as "a term that describes a period of extreme mental or emotional stress. The stress is so great that the person is unable to perform normal day-to-day activities." It continues on to include examples of some things that would cause it, in my case it would be continuous stress from work and financial problems. Probably more than that for me but I'm in no way a doctor of any kind to understand them all.       A clinical psychologist, Psy D Sabrina Romanoff, explained it "is a peri...

   Multiple months have passed now and truth be told my parents have gotten better as human beings. They have given me my space by not showing up unannounced and they almost never contact me first. My parents have begun buying and donating clothes and other items to the church they attend. They have been giving away their unused vehicles to a charity organization. Both have verbally expressed their acceptance of my choices. Although I still know they have their private feelings behind our backs, they treat me as an adult with my own beliefs to my face. That is a huge step for them.     They have now seen my YouTube Channel and I'm sure from that they will eventually find this blog. To that end I have a message for them.    Dear Parents,    Should you find your way to this public blog that I use to help any others that may have lived a similar existence to mine, know that I am voicing who I have always been. In your household, the feeling of y...

   Though I am unsure of what exactly to write, here are some words. My parents have been blocked for exactly two months when I get contacted by both of my Grandmas that my mom was being rushed to the ER. Not knowing what it was for, cause I didn't see the voice mail until later, I immediately left work and drove to the hospital. Received a point for leaving an hour and fifteen minutes early to find she was alright. They had been trying to move junk and equipment away from the sides of a barn so it could be repainted when tragedy struck. The weight they were moving was a tractor weight that balances out a tractor when you add heavy equipment to the other side. While trying to stack one onto another, over a hundred pounds each, the strap holding it slipped and the weight landed on my mother's left foot. Thankfully she was wearing her steel toe work boots which took most of the damage. The Hospital said nothing was broken but were unsure if the tissue was damaged. Due to so much...

   I don't understand how mentally going through weighing the pros and cons on cutting off my family is so devastating to me. Though remembering all the things they fucked up with and how they treated me terrible should make it easy, right. But it doesn't. How can a family hold on so tight and be this suffocating when they told me themselves they never wanted to have me in the first place. How can one Grandmother that fought so hard to have any impact in my life have wished me to die in my mothers womb. How can the other Grandmother only want to talk to me when I've done something so well that I am mentioned in the newspaper. And yet I am still emotionally rocked from the thought of cutting off everyone.     It's never as simple as just not talking to a stranger ever again. These people were my world growing up because I was so suppressed and suffocated from getting a glimpse of reality. Once I say the words to cut off my parents that is it, there is no going ba...

This is difficult for me but for my own sanity it must be done. I am cutting ties with my parents.     All my life they have gaslighted, manipulated, suppressed, belittled and tried to control me. They threatened me as a 7yr old to stone me to death as the bible commanded if I ever called myself a Witch. They never supported me in anything extra curricular at school and verbally abused me for my choices and grades if they were not perfect. In the beginning I believed they only wanted the best for me. It was all a lie. They never wanted me in the first place and my maternal grandmother wished death upon me before I was even born.     My parents hated that I questioned the Bible and didn't simply obey. From a young child they groomed me to be everything they were. Stay home, don't socialize, pass in school, work the farm, and never question that it was God's plan. Punishment was verbal and physical when I disobeyed. Anyone ever hear of "lawnmower arms"? Yeah ...

     Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #1 Love isn't real - worried a friend close to me will randomly tell me how they really feel about me - use to stay in relationships with friends that were beneath me for the sake of having friends - grew up in an anti-love family - parents should have divorced years ago, toxic relationship - infidelity by one parent - loss of my uncle who was a better dad to me - parents said they loved me but didn't always back it up with loving behavior  - parents contradicted what they said with how they actually reacted - parents miserable - their acts of love felt manipulative       Though these still hold true today, I have learned what true love and friendship feel like. My communication with me parents is as little as I can get it without them throwing too big o...

    Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #2 People don't want to know you - not feeling like I belong - use to compare myself to others  - still somewhat isolate myself from others - putting on a mask for people is exhausting  - social risks are hard  - confirm the lie to myself - use to feel like I was watching the world from the outside      This was reminded to me by my parents often as a kid. My parents didn't have friends themselves cause "friends take work" and "they stab you in the back". To this day I know that it is work to keep a friend but be wary of choosing your friends so they aren't ones that will stab you. If they do then just brush them off and keep going. I use to assume people outside of my home also thought of me the same way my parents did or were even more judgmental of me....

   Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #3 The sexual you is bad/ sex is bad - worrying about having too low or too high a sex drive - thought of sex as an exchange, not a mutual shared experience - too focused on touch, too needy on touch - now don't like to be touched too much by my family - use to get caught up in wanting to be a good lover - use to put my self worth into sexuality - didn't use to like aspects of my gender, now I identify as Bi Sexual  - shamed as a kindergartner for wanting to be a boy instead of a girl - was told that showing too much skin made me a slut - was body shamed - family allowed me no boundaries  - my family are Puritan Baptist       So many of these are still a problem I am facing today but are working on it. My family didn't really teach me much about being a female ...

  Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #4 You are not enough - use to think that strangers didn't like me even though I hadn't interacted with them (ex. grocery store) - use to think my family would be better if I was a better person - have the strategy to go above and beyond just to be accepted (ex.new job)      The last one I still struggle with to this day. Today I realize these too were because of the environment I grew up in. Not being valued as a child, neglected time I could safely interact with my parents without retaliation. Abused physically, emotionally and mentally. Was the scapegoat for anything that went wrong. Was not able to effect my parents to change their ways. Tried to solve their big problems though I was only a child. Their bar of achievement was set to insanely high mark.      ...

  Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #5 Good Things won't last  - living in constant fear of being fired from my job - use to worry things I bought would look worn from using them - making friends but not engaging with them for fear of loosing them - fear things are taken from me      These still worry me to this day but not nearly to the insanity level they use to. These fears were brought on by many things that occurred when I was younger. Though I was an only child but my family and friends at the time did not respect my belongings. At home chaos would erupt out of nowhere from one or both of my parents. My mother would have emotional outbreaks on me, later found out she was going through menopause the same time I hit puberty. Parents would take my stuff away for things I had not done and even killed one of my...

 Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child. #6 The Real you isn't acceptable - able to shift or blend into social situations to "belong" - adopting other peoples vibes/ personas/ mannerisms to fit in  - stuck in a career not for you but its what your family wanted - spend a lot of energy watching what you say as to not make waves - fear of abandonment - default to choices of others instead of voicing your own - worried what other think of you - fear of exploring other things cause of how it may look to others - not know what your real personality is      Luckily today these don't all apply to me anymore but when I was younger they all absolutely did. These were brought on by many reasons. Both of my parents I believe lived the lie that their real selves were not acceptable to their families and friends. My parents and grandp...