Question what you value: Do you value Love?

     Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child. 

#1 Love isn't real

- worried a friend close to me will randomly tell me how they really feel about me

- use to stay in relationships with friends that were beneath me for the sake of having friends

- grew up in an anti-love family

- parents should have divorced years ago, toxic relationship

- infidelity by one parent

- loss of my uncle who was a better dad to me

- parents said they loved me but didn't always back it up with loving behavior 

- parents contradicted what they said with how they actually reacted

- parents miserable

- their acts of love felt manipulative 

    Though these still hold true today, I have learned what true love and friendship feel like. My communication with me parents is as little as I can get it without them throwing too big of a fit. When they confronted me on sneaking my things out of the house in the dead of night (I was moving them to my new apartment), I packed what else would fit in my car and didn't go back. They threatened so many things. The best one was them threatening to call the cops to arrest me for stealing the car when I had already transferred the car to solely in my name. I gave up on their screaming and didn't answer the phone or speak to my mom at work for 4 months. Till one of my coworkers that lives next to me gave away where I lived that is. Things are no where as difficult as they were then but not where I want them either. 

    For recovery on this Mr. Teahan suggests looking for evidence of love in the world instead of looking for the contrary. Be aware when you do feel real love and friendship. Love is what we make it. This helps but has not completely healed me. This is a long journey of mental and emotional healing that will still take some years to rectify. But i am willing to put in the work.

    I encourage everyone that grew up in a toxic environment to seek help. Whether that is with a professional, a friend or a psychologist on YouTube. Please feel free to continue following me on this journey of recovery. Perhaps we can heal together.

Blessed Be