A Dark Place

   I don't understand how mentally going through weighing the pros and cons on cutting off my family is so devastating to me. Though remembering all the things they fucked up with and how they treated me terrible should make it easy, right. But it doesn't. How can a family hold on so tight and be this suffocating when they told me themselves they never wanted to have me in the first place. How can one Grandmother that fought so hard to have any impact in my life have wished me to die in my mothers womb. How can the other Grandmother only want to talk to me when I've done something so well that I am mentioned in the newspaper. And yet I am still emotionally rocked from the thought of cutting off everyone. 

   It's never as simple as just not talking to a stranger ever again. These people were my world growing up because I was so suppressed and suffocated from getting a glimpse of reality. Once I say the words to cut off my parents that is it, there is no going back. 

   No more birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, reminiscing over memories or sending gif bombs just to annoy the other. No annoying phone calls or jumping at every sound in the hallway dreading a surprise visit. No surprise extra groceries or medicine run when seriously sick or a free oil change and tire rotation. No judgmental questions with a hidden tongue lashing waiting to strike. No more questioning all of my motives and choices and "if I'll be in heaven with them when we all die." No good and no bad. No laughs and no yelling. All sadness, regret and freedom.

   There is no in between. I tried multiple different versions of an in between. So many different layered boundaries that all were broken or technicalized. Asked for no multiple calling when I don't answer, still happened. Asked for texts and only calls when important. They don't understand the definition of important. "But I want to hear your voice." Always excuses. Asked for no politics, religion or judgmental remarks. Ha. No one can say that I didn't try. I am 29.5 years old, I've currently tried all my live and they still have not understood.

   Today was an emotional roller coaster between numb and deep depressive crying as if they have passed away. My function ability has been limited. If it wasn't for my fiance using everything he had to keep me going through the day I would have called in to work and cried in bed all day. My sister is the only other person that really knows what has been going on all these years. We kept each other going for so many years. I thank both of you so much for helping me through this. Thank you.