Cutting Ties

This is difficult for me but for my own sanity it must be done. I am cutting ties with my parents. 

   All my life they have gaslighted, manipulated, suppressed, belittled and tried to control me. They threatened me as a 7yr old to stone me to death as the bible commanded if I ever called myself a Witch. They never supported me in anything extra curricular at school and verbally abused me for my choices and grades if they were not perfect. In the beginning I believed they only wanted the best for me. It was all a lie. They never wanted me in the first place and my maternal grandmother wished death upon me before I was even born. 

   My parents hated that I questioned the Bible and didn't simply obey. From a young child they groomed me to be everything they were. Stay home, don't socialize, pass in school, work the farm, and never question that it was God's plan. Punishment was verbal and physical when I disobeyed. Anyone ever hear of "lawnmower arms"? Yeah my parents thought they were clever with that name and it was hilarious to them. If it wasn't a switch or a belt or a slap across the face, that was what I received.

   When I was 14 they forced me to get a job under the table with the Janitors at the local Cable Vision. On multiple occasions while I was in high school my mother tried to set me up with the children of well off people she worked with. After high school they attempted two arranged marriages with kids of rich families where I grew up. They never approved of anyone I chose. 

   The same went with jobs that I took, they were fine with the bank I chose though cause they had easy access to it. When my mom worked at Mosaic they both hated the thought of me working there too. My mom eventually did help me get on but was unhappy it was a different shift then her so she couldn't keep an eye on me and it would be very late in the morning before I would be home. 

   Once I started dating my now fiance, they were very critical of him and of me. They disproved of unaccompanied dates with him. Then one day they just snapped. I came home late from an amazing date and they starred at me like lions looking for a fight. Eventually I hid in the bathroom, the only room on the main floor that locked. I was barraged with all kinds of profanity and horrible things while my father beat on the door. Then his last words were "fine Bitch you can die in hell."

   I was 27yrs old for god's sake. Three weeks later I had sneaked all of my most important things into a friend's house who then helped me move it into my new apartment when it was ready. Four months my parents blew up my phone with threats and vile things to say before they finally calmed down. They never would have found where I now lived if it weren't for a nosy neighbor that just happened to work with my mom. 

   Since then it has been a very rocky and emotional 3.5yrs. I can't take it anymore. Constantly questioning what I am doing and belittling me for not making time for them when being around them is the last thing I want for my sanity. Nearly every time I have been around them, the next day, I have a panic attack. The thoughts don't stop, I begin to shake and breath weird, then start rocking in place where I am sitting. Today was no different. They came over yesterday and now I've had to call in again cause the panic attack over took me.

   There is nothing like the feeling of not being fully safe in your own home. They have guns and have already been very physically abusive to me in the past. My nightmares are 90% of them hurting or killing me and my love because I didn't turn out who they wanted me to be. Who knows what they would do if they found out I've been a Witch since I was 7 or that I've hated their God since 2007 when He took my Uncle from me. Their constant messages and calls nearly everyday has made me an emotional wreck. No more I say.

No one should have to feel this way. This is my life. I turn 30 in July. I won't give in any longer.