What is a "mental breakdown"?
Let's start with the Dictionary. Merriam-Webster does not have a definition for it but does have one for "nervous breakdown", which other sites say are interchangeable terms. So Webster describes it as "an attack of mental or emotional disorder especially when of sufficient severity to require hospitalization." Mine is bad but thank goodness it is not to that extent.
Web MD describes a mental breakdown as "a term that describes a period of extreme mental or emotional stress. The stress is so great that the person is unable to perform normal day-to-day activities." It continues on to include examples of some things that would cause it, in my case it would be continuous stress from work and financial problems. Probably more than that for me but I'm in no way a doctor of any kind to understand them all.
A clinical psychologist, Psy D Sabrina Romanoff, explained it "is a period of severe emotional distress, where a person may feel paralyzed and entirely incapable of coping with life's challenges" (Very Well Mind). They continue by explaining that "the phrase is used informally as an umbrella term that can encompass several mental health conditions." The different conditions are not listed or elaborated on in the article I found. The other websites listed in my References at the bottom of the page also explained a mental breakdown in much a similar way.
"I won't sugar coat things, times are tough. It becomes more and more difficult to do basic everyday tasks due to the mental breakdown and depression. Waiting on a list to talk to a counselor about it is disheartening and more depressing. All while if feels like your life is crumbling around you. My relationships with friends, my fiance, housework, even taking a shower is a struggle. The mind don't stop. While working or sleeping and in between it is constantly going through reminders of things that need done, people I haven't spoken to in months, replaying every scenario that has happened like I could have done something different and stuffing the cracks with every possible scenario that ever could but won't happen. I use apps and meditate, I have emergency panic pills for my worst days, drink Ashwagonda tea, use CBD vape and Lavender Essential Oils in a diffuser. I have stuffed animals, fidget spinners, a stress ball and my blog. There is only so much these things on my own will accomplish. I need real help. If anyone is able to help even the smallest bit I would greatly appreciate it. My hands don't work right to get a second job and my fiance has gave me all of his savings." (4-16-24)
On the 22nd of April my panic pill did not help calm me down and I was in a deep hole of depression. So I called the 988 number (for USA residents) for those in a health crisis and with suicidal thoughts. A calming soothing voice came on the line, Shelby, and she was so understanding of my situation. She started by trying to calm me down with some basic grounding exercises. The first was "5 Things for a Color," where you look around your immediate environment and name five items that match a particular color (5 blue, 5 green, 5 red, 5 purple, etc). Second was to take some ice cubes and place them in the palm of your hand. Describe the sensation till the feeling makes you uncomfortable but not painful. If like me you don't have any ice cubes you can also splash cold water on your face. Not the same effect as stimulating a nerve in your hand but will still help. Thirdly was the "5 Things You Can See, 4 Things You Can Touch, 3 Things You Can Hear, 2 Things You Can Smell, and 1 Thing You Can Taste." I found that saying each item out loud during these different exercises helped calm me, unlike trying them on my own by saying them only in my head.
Once I was calm we discussed other types of activities that could help me in the future as well. I already use the Finch app (depression, encouragement, and many more), the Balance app (meditations and lofi) and the Tochi Diary (track mood and triggers) from the Google Play Store. Shelby also encouraged me to try Affirmation Apps and to write down things on paper so I had a hard copy just in case my apps crashed. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could help, making flashcards that include my triggers and reactions and how to calm down from them. Create a playlist for depression with upbeat music or a playlist for anxiety with soft music, which I have started to do. I use to have one a few years ago but I put sad songs in them mirroring my mood so I didn't feel alone in my emotions, that playlist no longer helps me.
Along with the above apps I have also started using new apps called Betwixt (dream shadow work) and Sintelly (chatbot). From there I began working on Shadow Work, "a type of psychotherapy that focuses on the parts of the psyche that people often keep hidden, such as trauma and resentment." Still things were not getting better because my mind could not focus. My mental breakdown symptoms included anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, being fearful and getting irritated easy. Noticed more thing were triggering me, cried a lot, cried randomly, was not getting quality sleep which made me always tired. It felt like I had no control of anything and would occasionally have bad thoughts about self harm and even suicide (which I did not wish to act on because I have found the love of my life and do not wish to leave them). I felt mentally/emotionally/physically exhausted all the time and would isolate myself as much as possible. On top of that my heart rate was generally fast causing me to have the shakes and get dizzy.
On April 29th I had an appointment to see my EMG doctor for another test of my hands. After the tests he determined that part of the reason for my pain was that I have a pinched nerve in my left elbow that will one day need surgery to fix or it will get worse. The rest of my hand pain he was unsure but thought the probable cause was spasms. With this information I broke down crying cause I can't afford to see him for that visit let alone a surgery. I told him everything, including that I reached out to my pcp in an email and am now on a waiting list to talk to a counselor. So along with the spasm medication he also prescribed me a pain/depression pill to begin taking. Once I left I cried in my car for a good while before driving home.
May 1st I was able to begin taking my new medications. After 48hours I could already tell a difference in my mood and after a week I felt more "normal". The depression was very little and my hands could do a lot more before they even began to hurt instead of being constantly in pain. On May 30th I had a follow up with my EMG doc and he was very pleased to see my progress. I almost don't have to wear my hand or elbow braces at all, though I still have to be-careful of my left hand dropping things. I am able to focus and accomplish daily tasks with only a tinge of self doubt. I still take naps but actually feel rejuvenated after sleeping now. Even during my monthly cycle I barely cry and my bad thoughts are gone. I will continue to work on myself on my own while I wait to see a professional.
If you are going through anything I highly urge you to reach out for help. It is terrifying and feels pointless in the moment, believe me, but it can make all the difference. If you are not going though these difficulties please reach out to those that are and help in anyway you can. I have multiple medical bills now in the hands of debt collectors. Every little bit helps. If you are able to I would appreciate any support you can give to my GoFundMe page or to anyone else in a similar situation so we can all get the help we deserve as human beings. Thank you for your support.
Blessed Be.
References:
Webmd.com, Verywellmind.com, Healthdirect.gov, Healthline.com, Mayoclinic.org, Merriam-webster.com, Merriam-webster.com, Shadow Work Article, Wiki for Shadow Work
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