Witch Belle

   I don't understand how mentally going through weighing the pros and cons on cutting off my family is so devastating to me. Though remembering all the things they fucked up with and how they treated me terrible should make it easy, right. But it doesn't. How can a family hold on so tight and be this suffocating when they told me themselves they never wanted to have me in the first place. How can one Grandmother that fought so hard to have any impact in my life have wished me to die in my mothers womb. How can the other Grandmother only want to talk to me when I've done something so well that I am mentioned in the newspaper. And yet I am still emotionally rocked from the thought of cutting off everyone.     It's never as simple as just not talking to a stranger ever again. These people were my world growing up because I was so suppressed and suffocated from getting a glimpse of reality. Once I say the words to cut off my parents that is it, there is no going ba...

This is difficult for me but for my own sanity it must be done. I am cutting ties with my parents.     All my life they have gaslighted, manipulated, suppressed, belittled and tried to control me. They threatened me as a 7yr old to stone me to death as the bible commanded if I ever called myself a Witch. They never supported me in anything extra curricular at school and verbally abused me for my choices and grades if they were not perfect. In the beginning I believed they only wanted the best for me. It was all a lie. They never wanted me in the first place and my maternal grandmother wished death upon me before I was even born.     My parents hated that I questioned the Bible and didn't simply obey. From a young child they groomed me to be everything they were. Stay home, don't socialize, pass in school, work the farm, and never question that it was God's plan. Punishment was verbal and physical when I disobeyed. Anyone ever hear of "lawnmower arms"? Yeah ...

   According to Webster Dictionary, adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than that person's current spouse or partner. Christians try to make this word mean sex outside of marriage. However, when this Commandment was supposedly created Marriage was a contract between two families. A daughter was betrothed to the son of another family to strengthen their bonds, combine resources or to save them from poverty while the girl was still a baby. Love was almost never used to combine two households. Marriage as we know it today became a signed contract between two people starting in the 17th century. Most of the world still considers such unions to only be recognized between a biological male and a biological female.     Thankfully today, more effort has been put in to making marriage a freedom for all people to partake in. Whether that be between two people of the same biological sex, trans, non-binary, etc. In my opinion ...

     Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #1 Love isn't real - worried a friend close to me will randomly tell me how they really feel about me - use to stay in relationships with friends that were beneath me for the sake of having friends - grew up in an anti-love family - parents should have divorced years ago, toxic relationship - infidelity by one parent - loss of my uncle who was a better dad to me - parents said they loved me but didn't always back it up with loving behavior  - parents contradicted what they said with how they actually reacted - parents miserable - their acts of love felt manipulative       Though these still hold true today, I have learned what true love and friendship feel like. My communication with me parents is as little as I can get it without them throwing too big o...

   Today I received a text message that my maternal grandfather was rushed to the ER unresponsive. They resuscitated him, put him on oxygen and gave him a lot of pain killers. Later around noon the doctors decided it was time to take the breathing tube out. One whole side of his brain was completely full of blood. They expected him not to last a half hour but it has now been ten hours. I'm not sure how to react to all of this.    All week has been mental torture with anxiety and a full day panic attack on Wednesday. As of today I finally felt normal. Until the messages that is. I should have known there was something wrong last night when receiving a call from my dad's cell phone instead of my mom. My mother had had multiple mini seizures that kept them both up all night into the early morning. And then for my mom to receive a call from her mom at 6am was alot for her to deal with. Because of my mental and emotional exhaustion from the week I didn't answer my phone c...

    Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #2 People don't want to know you - not feeling like I belong - use to compare myself to others  - still somewhat isolate myself from others - putting on a mask for people is exhausting  - social risks are hard  - confirm the lie to myself - use to feel like I was watching the world from the outside      This was reminded to me by my parents often as a kid. My parents didn't have friends themselves cause "friends take work" and "they stab you in the back". To this day I know that it is work to keep a friend but be wary of choosing your friends so they aren't ones that will stab you. If they do then just brush them off and keep going. I use to assume people outside of my home also thought of me the same way my parents did or were even more judgmental of me....

   Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #3 The sexual you is bad/ sex is bad - worrying about having too low or too high a sex drive - thought of sex as an exchange, not a mutual shared experience - too focused on touch, too needy on touch - now don't like to be touched too much by my family - use to get caught up in wanting to be a good lover - use to put my self worth into sexuality - didn't use to like aspects of my gender, now I identify as Bi Sexual  - shamed as a kindergartner for wanting to be a boy instead of a girl - was told that showing too much skin made me a slut - was body shamed - family allowed me no boundaries  - my family are Puritan Baptist       So many of these are still a problem I am facing today but are working on it. My family didn't really teach me much about being a female ...