Witch Belle

 What is a "mental breakdown"?      Let's start with the Dictionary. Merriam-Webster does not have a definition for it but does have one for "nervous breakdown", which other sites say are interchangeable terms. So Webster describes it as "an attack of mental or emotional disorder especially when of sufficient severity to require hospitalization." Mine is bad but thank goodness it is not to that extent.      Web MD describes a mental breakdown as "a term that describes a period of extreme mental or emotional stress. The stress is so great that the person is unable to perform normal day-to-day activities." It continues on to include examples of some things that would cause it, in my case it would be continuous stress from work and financial problems. Probably more than that for me but I'm in no way a doctor of any kind to understand them all.       A clinical psychologist, Psy D Sabrina Romanoff, explained it "is a peri...

  Childhood Trauma Personalities: Watched YouTube video by Patrick Teahan LICSW:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiGbgKICNEU   For me I feel like the "Hostile" personality was the main one with a little "Are we good", with both of them still popping up with certain triggers.     My childhood, teen years and early adulthood were filled with yelling. If something happened, broke or went missing it was my fault. Mom came home in a bad mood it was my fault. My grades were not perfect straight A's it was my fault, not the fact I wasn't getting help with lessons from all my teachers or from my parents when I didn't understand something. My family is highly religious, Puritan Baptists, if I thought something that did not align with their thinking then it was the devil that put those thoughts into my mind. If I questioned them or asked why something didn't make sense logically then I was breaking the 5th Commandment to Honor (Obey) Thy Father and Mother. Le...

    The year has started out just like any other, stuff goes wrong. For nearly all of January I was battling a severe kidney infection that had inflamed all of my organs on my left side of my body. After two ER visits, two CT scans, strong antibiotics, multiple tests and Urologist visits I have recovered from the worst of it. Still currently doing home physical therapy to restrengthen up my psuas muscle (connects the hip to the lower back) which was agitated so bad from the infection that it now makes pain in my lower ribs on that side. Doctors were perplexed how I acquired such an infection and why none of my tests showed an infection, only the CT scans did. Further more my current job has been letting many people go, so the stress of possibly loosing my job and insurance is very strong right now.     Now that you are all caught up, that brings me to my bad anxiety attack of yesterday and panic attack today. Yesterday was the first day after another wave o...

 According to Wikipedia:   "Woke is an adjective derived from African-American Vernacular English (AAVE) meaning "alert to racial prejudice and discrimination". Beginning in the 2010s, it came to encompass a broader awareness of social inequalities such as racial justice, sexism and LGBT rights. " ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woke ) According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary: "Woke is now defined in this dictionary as “aware of and actively attentive to important facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice),” and identified as U.S. slang. It originated in African American English and gained more widespread use beginning in 2014 as part of the Black Lives Matter movement. By the end of that same decade it was also being applied by some as a general pejorative for anyone who is or appears to be politically left-leaning." ( https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/woke-meaning-origin ) According to Dictionary.com:  1. (adjecti...

   Like any job, at one point there will come a time that your body and brain turn on auto pilot, going through the day without your consciousness being present. For a short period now I have caught myself going into auto pilot both on and off the clock. As if my mind has become so overwhelmed with all the stresses of the world that it needs some down time that I have been unable to find or not enough of it to complete the reboot process. Due to this my goals have changed to survival/reactive instead of accomplishing/proactive. A change must be made. My New Goals: make more of an effort to dress myself with different aesthetics instead of the usual "work-from-home" leggings and t-shirt. add exercising of any capacity to my routine. step outside at least every other day, despite having to have unwanted conversations with neighbors. add something to look forward to for my first break at work. I already look forward to enjoying a few minutes with my love on my lunch and having h...

   These two words confuse me more times then I could ever count. Is there a difference or are they the same thing? They are different in multiple ways. We've all said one in place of the other at one time or another. "I'm jealous of her outfit/skin/car/dog/pool/jewelry.""I envy their love/relationship/friendship." These two statements are incorrectly worded. Considering it took three years for me to correct my usage of the words "ate" and "eaten," it is possible. With the help of the love of my life I will continue to make progress. I encourage him to correct me so I can become better with my language.     Once upon a time, I use to be fantastic at English and many other things. Then I ignored my body telling me its' health was bad till it placed me in the hospital for four days. In that time frame, the doctors, nurses and techs believed I had had about 50 mini brain seizures. Had to re-learn EVERYTHING. How to use the bathroom, get ...

   Multiple months have passed now and truth be told my parents have gotten better as human beings. They have given me my space by not showing up unannounced and they almost never contact me first. My parents have begun buying and donating clothes and other items to the church they attend. They have been giving away their unused vehicles to a charity organization. Both have verbally expressed their acceptance of my choices. Although I still know they have their private feelings behind our backs, they treat me as an adult with my own beliefs to my face. That is a huge step for them.     They have now seen my YouTube Channel and I'm sure from that they will eventually find this blog. To that end I have a message for them.    Dear Parents,    Should you find your way to this public blog that I use to help any others that may have lived a similar existence to mine, know that I am voicing who I have always been. In your household, the feeling of y...

   Though I am unsure of what exactly to write, here are some words. My parents have been blocked for exactly two months when I get contacted by both of my Grandmas that my mom was being rushed to the ER. Not knowing what it was for, cause I didn't see the voice mail until later, I immediately left work and drove to the hospital. Received a point for leaving an hour and fifteen minutes early to find she was alright. They had been trying to move junk and equipment away from the sides of a barn so it could be repainted when tragedy struck. The weight they were moving was a tractor weight that balances out a tractor when you add heavy equipment to the other side. While trying to stack one onto another, over a hundred pounds each, the strap holding it slipped and the weight landed on my mother's left foot. Thankfully she was wearing her steel toe work boots which took most of the damage. The Hospital said nothing was broken but were unsure if the tissue was damaged. Due to so much...

 Cut my parents off on the first of the month.     Next day I got a text from my dad asking what the title of a book was that I have that helps a person alter a pattern.     Now two weeks later I get a call, three in secession. So i think, what if a fire broke out, what if my dad is being rushed to the hospital for passing out again due to his blood pressure. I better answer it. Ha. "Wanted to see how you are doing... We planted the garden before the rain hit so we have plenty of cabbage planted for you." And "Do you need anything? dayquil? there's more cabbage frozen in the freezer from last year if you want to make soup." Did cutting them off mean nothing to them?     If this continues I am going to have to block their number. If it is important, leave a voice mail. If you try to come by unanounced to drop stuff off, I will call the cops on you. I have not known peace for even two weeks. I have other problems to deal with.   ...

https://gofund.me/6553b62f

   I don't understand how mentally going through weighing the pros and cons on cutting off my family is so devastating to me. Though remembering all the things they fucked up with and how they treated me terrible should make it easy, right. But it doesn't. How can a family hold on so tight and be this suffocating when they told me themselves they never wanted to have me in the first place. How can one Grandmother that fought so hard to have any impact in my life have wished me to die in my mothers womb. How can the other Grandmother only want to talk to me when I've done something so well that I am mentioned in the newspaper. And yet I am still emotionally rocked from the thought of cutting off everyone.     It's never as simple as just not talking to a stranger ever again. These people were my world growing up because I was so suppressed and suffocated from getting a glimpse of reality. Once I say the words to cut off my parents that is it, there is no going ba...

This is difficult for me but for my own sanity it must be done. I am cutting ties with my parents.     All my life they have gaslighted, manipulated, suppressed, belittled and tried to control me. They threatened me as a 7yr old to stone me to death as the bible commanded if I ever called myself a Witch. They never supported me in anything extra curricular at school and verbally abused me for my choices and grades if they were not perfect. In the beginning I believed they only wanted the best for me. It was all a lie. They never wanted me in the first place and my maternal grandmother wished death upon me before I was even born.     My parents hated that I questioned the Bible and didn't simply obey. From a young child they groomed me to be everything they were. Stay home, don't socialize, pass in school, work the farm, and never question that it was God's plan. Punishment was verbal and physical when I disobeyed. Anyone ever hear of "lawnmower arms"? Yeah ...

   According to Webster Dictionary, adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than that person's current spouse or partner. Christians try to make this word mean sex outside of marriage. However, when this Commandment was supposedly created Marriage was a contract between two families. A daughter was betrothed to the son of another family to strengthen their bonds, combine resources or to save them from poverty while the girl was still a baby. Love was almost never used to combine two households. Marriage as we know it today became a signed contract between two people starting in the 17th century. Most of the world still considers such unions to only be recognized between a biological male and a biological female.     Thankfully today, more effort has been put in to making marriage a freedom for all people to partake in. Whether that be between two people of the same biological sex, trans, non-binary, etc. In my opinion ...

     Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #1 Love isn't real - worried a friend close to me will randomly tell me how they really feel about me - use to stay in relationships with friends that were beneath me for the sake of having friends - grew up in an anti-love family - parents should have divorced years ago, toxic relationship - infidelity by one parent - loss of my uncle who was a better dad to me - parents said they loved me but didn't always back it up with loving behavior  - parents contradicted what they said with how they actually reacted - parents miserable - their acts of love felt manipulative       Though these still hold true today, I have learned what true love and friendship feel like. My communication with me parents is as little as I can get it without them throwing too big o...

   Today I received a text message that my maternal grandfather was rushed to the ER unresponsive. They resuscitated him, put him on oxygen and gave him a lot of pain killers. Later around noon the doctors decided it was time to take the breathing tube out. One whole side of his brain was completely full of blood. They expected him not to last a half hour but it has now been ten hours. I'm not sure how to react to all of this.    All week has been mental torture with anxiety and a full day panic attack on Wednesday. As of today I finally felt normal. Until the messages that is. I should have known there was something wrong last night when receiving a call from my dad's cell phone instead of my mom. My mother had had multiple mini seizures that kept them both up all night into the early morning. And then for my mom to receive a call from her mom at 6am was alot for her to deal with. Because of my mental and emotional exhaustion from the week I didn't answer my phone c...

    Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #2 People don't want to know you - not feeling like I belong - use to compare myself to others  - still somewhat isolate myself from others - putting on a mask for people is exhausting  - social risks are hard  - confirm the lie to myself - use to feel like I was watching the world from the outside      This was reminded to me by my parents often as a kid. My parents didn't have friends themselves cause "friends take work" and "they stab you in the back". To this day I know that it is work to keep a friend but be wary of choosing your friends so they aren't ones that will stab you. If they do then just brush them off and keep going. I use to assume people outside of my home also thought of me the same way my parents did or were even more judgmental of me....

   Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #3 The sexual you is bad/ sex is bad - worrying about having too low or too high a sex drive - thought of sex as an exchange, not a mutual shared experience - too focused on touch, too needy on touch - now don't like to be touched too much by my family - use to get caught up in wanting to be a good lover - use to put my self worth into sexuality - didn't use to like aspects of my gender, now I identify as Bi Sexual  - shamed as a kindergartner for wanting to be a boy instead of a girl - was told that showing too much skin made me a slut - was body shamed - family allowed me no boundaries  - my family are Puritan Baptist       So many of these are still a problem I am facing today but are working on it. My family didn't really teach me much about being a female ...

  Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #4 You are not enough - use to think that strangers didn't like me even though I hadn't interacted with them (ex. grocery store) - use to think my family would be better if I was a better person - have the strategy to go above and beyond just to be accepted (ex.new job)      The last one I still struggle with to this day. Today I realize these too were because of the environment I grew up in. Not being valued as a child, neglected time I could safely interact with my parents without retaliation. Abused physically, emotionally and mentally. Was the scapegoat for anything that went wrong. Was not able to effect my parents to change their ways. Tried to solve their big problems though I was only a child. Their bar of achievement was set to insanely high mark.      ...

   Today I made myself watch a video on self-worth knowing it to be good for me. Times are difficult and depression can be too familiar to try to escape. With my FinchApp I created a new Journey for myself to help fight my own image of myself. As a child I was taught to be humble and that I could always do better. When my grades came in, if they were below an A+ there would be intimidating conversations. Therefore I strode towards the perfect image my parents had for me despite never being able to reach it. Even with good grades there was a lecture to not drop behind. Always study ahead for the next class, practice made perfect, less games and music practice. There are times I would be able to remind myself that there is more to studying and acting the part of the perfect child. Now and then my past creeps into my thoughts and tortures my inner peace with anxiety, stress and panic attacks. 1. My achievements do not define me. Though my resume is four pages long it does not exp...

  Mental Health study with Patrick Teahan LICSW, "6 Lies From Childhood Trauma 2022". Going through his video these are the parts of each that resonated with me when I was a child.  #5 Good Things won't last  - living in constant fear of being fired from my job - use to worry things I bought would look worn from using them - making friends but not engaging with them for fear of loosing them - fear things are taken from me      These still worry me to this day but not nearly to the insanity level they use to. These fears were brought on by many things that occurred when I was younger. Though I was an only child but my family and friends at the time did not respect my belongings. At home chaos would erupt out of nowhere from one or both of my parents. My mother would have emotional outbreaks on me, later found out she was going through menopause the same time I hit puberty. Parents would take my stuff away for things I had not done and even killed one of my...